From Broken and Lost to Whole and Celebrating a Powerful 19 Year Relationship
As I sit down to pen a brief story of my life, I’m overwhelmed by the vast tapestry of experiences that have been woven together to create the person I am today. Life is never a straight path; it’s a tumultuous journey that tests your spirit, challenges your limits, and ultimately defines your purpose. From a childhood marred by merciless bullying to a journey through the labyrinth of politics, from the depths of depression and suicide to the pinnacle of hope, my life’s voyage has been anything but ordinary. This is my story – a story of resilience, redemption, and the discovery of renewed hope as I approach the age of 40.
A Childhood Shaped by Challenges
My journey began in a world of challenges, where I faced adversity from the very start. Born with a cleft lip and palate requiring surgeries at a very young age, resulting in a prominent lisp and hearing challenges, which set me apart from my peers almost immediately. Slow reading speed and difficulties in making friends only further isolated me from the world around me. Childhood, which is supposed to be a time of innocence and joy, became a battlefield of hurtful words and cruel taunts.
These differences made me an easy target for bullies, who seemed to find delight in exploiting my vulnerabilities. I remember being very aware that I was different and terrified that people would see me leave the special education class. I would peek out the door and see if anyone was watching and then run out as fast as I could. Unfortunately for me, one day I was spotted exiting my daily reading and speech help. I was in grade 3, no older than 8 years old, and a boy had already been bullying me because my lisp saw me peek out of the door. He didn’t say anything immediately, but at lunchtime when I went out to play, he came around me with some other kids and they all started calling me a retard.
I ran as fast as I could away from them into the school and into my nearby classroom. I was always good at keeping to myself and had a knack for befriending teachers, so I acted as if I just wanted to hang out. From that day on I can recall many times being terrified of going outside to play. Most of the time I could get away from kids by just being in the class by myself saying I was reading or chatting with a teacher. I wasn’t always lucky though and would occasionally be told to “go play with the other kids” or “go outside and have fun.”
Being relentlessly bullied for being different isn’t fun. It teaches you how cruel people and life can be and how unimportant you are.
Eventually, I got really used to being alone or around adults and it became second nature to me, to such an extent that by high school I’d hang around teachers during lunch time and chat about any random topic. Was I antisocial? Not really. I just felt that I could engage more thoughtfully with the adults around me.
This isn’t to say I still wasn’t lonely; I was. It got worse when I entered high school. I found myself in a sea of cliques and didn’t belong to any of them. Despite having a few acquaintances, I never really felt attached to anyone. I craved genuine connections. This desire for acceptance pushed me into a cycle of crafting a persona, and embellishing stories to seem more interesting than I felt. The loneliness was a heavy burden to bear, and my fabricated stories became a way to escape the harsh reality that surrounded me. A reality that I didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t want anyone to find out.
Loss and Discovery
Life’s twists and turns often challenge us in the most unexpected ways. I was first faced with the painful reality of losing loved ones at the age of 12, losing my great-grandmother after living with us for several years. At 16 I lost my uncle Lenny and cousin Cory in the span of a month, both to tragic accidents. These losses shook me to my core, forcing me to confront the fragile nature of life and the weight of grief. It was during this time that I turned to smoking pot, seeking solace and escape from the emotional turmoil within, fearful that the reality of life would force me to confront a significant painful truth: I could die any day now.
As I searched desperately for belonging, I found myself drawn into the world of politics – a place that would become both my refuge and my obsession for the next 22 years. The intricacies of politics offered me a sense of purpose, a way to channel my energy into something seemingly meaningful. I believed I made real friendships that would sustain and last for years and that I was a part of something that was bigger than me. Little did I know that I was merely burying my pain under a veneer of responsibilities and obligations, building yet another persona to fit in with people in a desperate bid to be liked, accepted, and appreciated.
The more I poured myself into this world, the more difficult I found it was to separate myself from the dismal world I now belonged to. I became a part of it, like a chameleon, I merged myself into the very fabric of the life of a political operator. It consumed me, causing me to dispatch with associations if I felt they didn’t mesh with my ideological alignment. My connection to this world was everything to me and anything that threatened it also threatened my existence, such as it was.
Navigating Darkness
I couldn’t wait to go to university. I hated high school because I felt that the people, teachers, and students alike, were wholly unable to aid me in navigating my search for myself. I was determined that it was going to happen on campus. Campus life and engagement was going to be the thing that freed me from the tortuous dungeon I felt I was bound to. Sadly, for me, it was a period of deepening and worsening despair. The people at university seemed as self-obsessed and aimless as those in high school, except this time there was no way I could fool them. No amount of reinvention was convincing anybody that I was worthy of being a member of their ingroup.
I was more isolated than ever before. The struggles I faced seemed insurmountable, and the deepening loneliness amplified my inner turmoil. In 2006, the darkness reached its peak, and I found myself teetering on the edge of suicide and very nearly taking my life, if not for the intervention of Stephanie, my wife and partner of 19 years. The weight of loneliness, loss, and self-doubt became too much to bear, and the thought of ending it all seemed like the only way out.
With Steph’s intervention, it turned out my life had other plans. It wasn’t my time to go. The threads of hope intertwined with my desperate thoughts, urging me to hold on a little longer. And so, I found the strength to seek help, to reach out to the people who cared about me. Through therapy, support, finding the right therapeutic intervention, and sheer determination I emerged from this abyss, scarred but resilient.
Cycle of Loss
Yet, life’s trials continued to test my endurance. In 2007 cancer claimed my father when I was 23, and in 2014, it took my beloved grandmother. The heartache of loss was compounded by the near loss of my mother, who faced blood clots following cancer treatment. The cycle of grief was unrelenting, casting a shadow over even the most joyous moments.
Amidst the challenges, I found myself achieving a dream in 2013 – a job that should have brought me fulfillment. Yet by 2016, I was disillusioned and unsatisfied and left this dream job. The next three years became a whirlwind of job hopping, a desperate search for purpose that remained elusive. It was during this period of uncertainty that an unexpected opportunity arose – a chance to be elected to the Greater Victoria School Board in 2018 at the age of 34, one of the youngest elected officials in British Columbia.
Broken Road to Redemption
Still not satisfied with the level of acceptance I had attained or finding fulfilling friendships, I believed that I needed to enter the world of politics even deeper. I felt that if I attained a position as an elected official, somehow the credibility of elected office would enable me to feel satisfied and fulfilled internally while gaining validation from the community of people around me.
Yet the scars of my past haunted me, resurrecting the ghost of relentless bullying and ceaseless self-doubt that were greatly compounded by searing toxicity targeted at me, with very little support from those around me beyond placatory words of support and affirmation. This bullying took place on a weekly basis, causing a cascading current of the deterioration of my self-worth and the resurrection of suicidal thoughts that I had successfully subdued for nearly 12 years.
The trauma I endured within the School Board environment, from an increasingly toxic public, and beyond my role on the school board left me broken and adrift in a sea of profound uncertainty. Into the summer of 2022 and as 2023 approached, I found myself at a crossroads, grappling with a sense of loss and disconnection that threatened to engulf me and take me ever downward.
But within the darkest moments, a glimmer of hope emerged. As I approached the milestone of 40, I began to realize that life was not over – it was just beginning. The weight of the past was a heavy burden to bear, but it was also the fuel that would propel me toward redemption.
I restarted therapy after years of feeling it wouldn’t help or that I could do without it, and it was that choice that found me going beyond just acceptance of everything that I had endured. I connected with parts of me that I had been battling or trying to hide, for what seemed like a lifetime.
The scars, the losses, the battles – they had all shaped me into someone who could rise from the ashes, resilient and ready for renewal.
Embracing the Future Through Love
Now, on the cusp of 40, I stand on the precipice of a new chapter, a chapter defined not by my past struggles, but by the hope and resilience that has carried me through.
It’s a chapter where I’ve shed the facade of false stories, where I am actively confronting the demons of my past, and where I’ve learned to embrace vulnerability as a strength.
The single constant in the past 19 years, the rock of confidence and bravery that has kept me sane and given me direction, purpose and inspiration, has been my relationship with my wife Stephanie.
Her courage to hold me up and her diligence in believing in my potential and capacity, beyond what I even thought was possible, pushed me forward.
She believes in me more than I ever could.
She sees in me more than I ever can.
This website, this blog, is a tribute to her, and to the love that has grown, matured, and stands strong and proudly high above the weeds of a life that has often felt too daunting to endure.
Using loveminded.co, I aim to extend my hand to those who have walked a similar path of pain seeking transformation and hope.
More importantly, I aim to help men realize the amazing power of a partnership founded on deep love, trust, strength, mutual respect, understanding, and compassion.
Life with a strong relationship built on a foundation of love and connection is so much brighter, and it can survive anything that comes your way.
My hope is that by sharing my story, I can offer a beacon of light to those who may be navigating their own darkness.
Together, we can find the strength to rise above adversity, embrace our unique stories, and discover the resilience that resides within us all.
A New Dawn
As I step into this new phase of my life, I’m filled with a sense of purpose that burns brighter than ever before. The scars of the past have become badges of honour, testaments to my strength and endurance (both mine and Steph’s).
Each trial has led me closer to the person I was always meant to be – the person Steph always saw – someone who can inspire, uplift, and empower others through the transformative power of storytelling.
This is my tale of resilience, redemption, and renewed hope – a tale that serves as a reminder that even in the darkest moments, there is a light that can guide us forward.
My journey continues, and I invite you to join me on this path of discovery, healing, and transformation.
Together, we can find purpose, create connections, and unearth the beauty that lies within our shared humanity.
